Thursday, 2 April 2009

The magic spiral comedy presentation

This may be a long post, but believe me it’s a classic.
 
Makes your eyes water doesn’t it…?
 
015
 
The “Tesco run” is usually a boring experience, as we were both wandering up and down the aisles today like a couple of drones,.We heard a mildly interesting statement over the tannoy which went like this:
 
“Hello ladies and gentleman, today we have a special offer of a FREE “Magic Spiral” for every customer, please proceed to the red stand at the end of the make up aisle to collect one…”
 
It was hearing the word “FREE” that got our attention, we had no idea what the hell a “Magic Spiral” actually was, or what it was used for. So Dave suggested “you go queue up if you want one, I’ll carry on with this lot.” Good idea, besides by this time we were both intrigued, in hindsight that was the whole idea, get drones to the “red stand,” then try flogging something else…
 
So I waltzed down there, (not wanting to miss out in the rush). Which turned out to be all of 3 people waiting patiently in front of what appeared to be 2 large brown boxes with a red curtain draped over them. AND there was NOBODY STOOD BEHIND IT, where was the caretaker of the Magic Spiral? I was waiting for Punch and Judy to appear. So I loitered inconspicuously in the next aisle due to the potential embarrassment of being seen chasing a “freebie.”
 
I kept one eye the brown boxes in case someone suddenly appeared from behind them via hydraulic lift. Meanwhile my other eye was monitoring the three person crowd. Who by this time were showing signs of frustration, by shoving trolleys into each others bums so they could be at the front of the queue…
 
Then came another announcement over the tannoy, the same spiel AGAIN with “a representative will be with you shortly,”  tagged on the end. Still nobody appeared so I continued to hang about whilst comparing cat food prices in the pet food section. We don’t have a cat, but I got a good view…
 
By the third time it was announced that the representative’s presence on the scene was imminent, I found myself wondering if I’d been transported into an episode of Dr Who. Then a serious case of the giggles set in. But this wasn’t a “giggle” situation, nobody else was amused by anything, but stifled laughter only makes you laugh even more doesn’t it? And god forbid, could this be classed as suspicious behaviour by the security cams…?
A
nyway, after wiping the tears from my eyes the “presentation” had already begun. To think I’d spent all that time trying to suppress any laughter, when I could’ve been stood at the front of the three person queue waiting patiently for my freebie…
 
Curiosity took over so I walked down the aisle, made it look like I’d just noticed the hoards of desperate souls and sauntered over towards the presentation cardboard structure. Still keeping a distance as if only mildly interested. Meanwhile the three sad people were still jostling for best position. 
 
I remained stood on the side-lines so as not to appear too eager, whilst the tardy presenter had a very nice kitchen knife in her hand that glided smoothly through a tomato… Hey up I thought, this is a nifty bit of kit for a freebie, it wasn’t just ANY old knife, it was a SUPER knife. She said it could cut through rock, and steel, marble and lots of other interesting components of planet earth all without bending. That was when I had to ask myself why anyone would want to try all that with a kitchen knife, or even at all?
 
So just to prove a point she’d brought a sturdy table and a hammer with her. The latter of which was duly authenticated as being real by a member of the audience, which had increased in size to all of five persons. I was wrong, this wasn’t Dr Who it was Paul Daniels in drag…
 
Oh the excitement, was she going to cut the hammer in half then? Credit where it’s due with a lot of elbow grease she did manage to make a tiny scratch in it. Then she mentioned the knife’s lifetime guarantee, (whoopee) but it turned out not to be FREE at all. And I think the real reason she brought the hammer was to bash herself over the head with it afterwards when NOBODY wanted to buy…
 
After that she continued with yet another kind of knife that “Jamie Oliver swears by” this was a bendy one, but by now true boredom was beginning to set in. Another lady joined the throng, and it was obvious she could see right through the sales pitch just like I could.
 
With make up on one side of me and knickers on the other. I decided it might be more interesting to choose which set of knickers I would buy, in case I needed an extra pair if I wet myself laughing. Words that went unspoken: “For crying out loud woman, we’ve already had a 20 minute sermon. It’s about time you wrapped this up before we all start throwing apples.”
 
At this point Dave snuck up next to me, said he was going through the checkout and he’d come back later on tonight to collect me… Ha Ha, thank you dear. By this time it was obvious Mrs Super knife was getting desperate, so she tried every trick in the book:
  • After telling us there was a limited supply of the SUPER knife, and that QVC will be advertising it soon for £24.99 EACH, she said she’d throw in the bendy knife for free…
  • Then she said she’d add another SUPER knife for free, (so that’s two plus the bendy one…)
  • Then it went up to three SUPER knives plus the bendy one – all for £24.99
  • It was the point of no return when she offered up a plastic juicer as well…
STILL NO TAKERS…
 
By this time she was nearly tearing her hair out, I pointed out the fact that if there’s a lifetime guarantee on this knife why would we need 3 of them?? “Good question madam, you could use the others as presents for the family.”
 
Oh my, I was actually beginning to feel a bit sorry for her now. Totally defeated, she went into melt down threw a FREE Magic Spiral into each trolley and started eating the tomato she’d slashed. Dave was just stood at the till so it was good timing, then he said “Did ya find out what it is then?” ------------------ "Nope."   

So here it is from another angle…
 
014
 
And another…
 
017
 
Later on Dave tried to explain to me that he thought it was something to do with making weird shapes with fruit or veg. Then we both decided it looked more like a deadly weapon. (A bit like the soon to be QVC knives). Answers on a postcard please…!

No comments:

Post a Comment