Tuesday, 6 October 2009

Killer Bluebottles

Aren’t they all supposed to have stopped buzzing by now, as in snuffed it? Not round here they haven’t, believe it or not the current tally of bluebottles zapped on this boat since Sunday is 6.

But these are no ordinary bluebottles, they behave more like manic mosquitoes. Over the years I’ve found that the average bluebottle prefers to stay well away from humans. After having a good nosy round its new (a)board and lodgings it settles down for a while, usually on a clean plate or cup on the draining board.

But not these little buggers, they’re on the attack from the second they fly through the door uninvited.

The other night I was just crawling, getting into bed when I suddenly remembered one of these critters had escaped the zapper earlier. So I carried out a thorough search of the boat, you know, along the same principle as search and rescue only this was “search and splat.”

But I couldn’t find the darn thing anywhere, so hoped it had gone down a plughole, or the toilet. WRONG, from previous experience I knew that sleep depravation would be inevitable if it was still around.

These killer bluebottles also take great pleasure in dive bombing human heads when they’re asleep, and sure enough not 2 minutes after snuggling up under the duvet I heard the all too familiar zzzz sound. INCOMING due North by North West, (one eye opens). Then the inevitable BOINK on the side of the face, (both eyes open), the chase is on.

There then ensued a game of “catch me if you can.” With me, bat in hand, running round the boat, performing what must’ve looked like a cross between air tennis and an acrobatics display. It took me half an hour to bring the darn thing down. Even then it was only stunned, and danced in upside down circles on the bathroom floor, till I grabbed some loo roll that is. During all that time the air was BLUE (pun intended). And it was 1am. And I was wide awake again...

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It was on the local news a few weeks ago that a farmer (about 5 miles from here) had stacked up a mountain of manure without treating it, whatever that entails. Hence the poo mountain turned into a maggot mountain and millions of flies invaded a nearby town. It was so bad that one pub had to close for a week, while it was exterminated fumigated. And it was rumoured that the guilty farmer had to pay a huge fine.

So it’s made us wonder if what we have now is a second generation of mutant bluebottles with extra strength, on a mission to attack us all. I mean surely any normal ones that are still floating about should be slow and knackered at this time of year.

Looking on the bright side I’m glad we haven’t got killer wasps as well…

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